Mum and I had a chat this morning. I told her I feel quite sh*te about my situation at the moment.
And she made a comment on how positive people tell her my blogs are and quite uplifting and it’s hard for her to hear how low I’m feeling. So I just thought I should write how I feel at this moment. Yes, I feel crap. This situation is terrible. My physical dependence on others is a big BIG struggle on me as ‘the independent, strong willed person’ I was and am. I DETEST not being able to walk around and do simple things like get myself a drink, be in charge of ‘my life’ and my ability to do basically anything for myself. For 4 and a half years (1/5 of my life) feels like it’s just gone down the tubes. I have to work EXTRA hard to achieve some of what is natural and second nature to those not injured.
At the minute I want what I can’t have. Will I ever get it in reach or back to myself?
Just want to put it out there, it’s sometimes rubbish. But I feel for my own sanity and those around me I have to try and lift myself and just keep going. So most of the time I am doing ‘ok’ (or as ok as I can be) but not all the time. It sometimes feels like I am fighting with my feelings and head space. I am trying not to beat my mind up too much, it’s been ‘in the wars’ already.
But today I just had to do a post that got some of the weight of my shoulders. It’s heavy carrying this sadness/embarrassment/discontentment/darkness around with me.
Now that’s that lifted off my shoulders for another little while. Ready to take on the next challenges coming towards me 🥊